QUOTES FROM COMEDIANS:

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin.

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."
Steven Wright.

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright.

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.